God, not Holiness

I've been reading a book titled "Humility". This quote got me thinking:

"...But there grows up, all unconsciously, a hidden habit of soul which feels complacency in its attainments. It cannot help seeing how far it is in advance of others." - Andrew Murray

I have been recently struggling with feeling that, in this way or that, I am so far behind in my walk with Christ: in true love, true joy, true wisdom. Sometimes I see the same struggles in my friends and I wonder: "Is the Christian life supposed to be marked by this sort of constant feeling of failure? It seems like life under the law again!" Yet, I know that often, in the times when I don't feel this sort of struggle, I am feeling the opposite: a smug `peacefulness' at "seeing how far it is in advance of others". How can we, as a people called to pursue Holiness, prevent ourselves from falling into shame and hopelessness, all the while avoiding the subtle pride that creeps in along with growth?

Maybe the question is wrong, and that we are not supposed to pursue holiness. Holiness is not the goal. It is a side effect, a surprising bonus, of the journey that God is taking us on. What is the goal then? I'm not sure, but maybe it is to simply enjoy the journey with our dear Savior and to fall ever more in love with him. When we face temptations, we fight (and valiantly!), but not for Holiness, but because of the One for whom we fight, the One who started us on this beautiful journey.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. - John 14:5

That Moon Language

Wow, it's been a long time. I started reading "Tattoos on the Heart" today. I teared us so many times, and laughed so many times :) Here is a little poem in the book that I will leave with you.

With That Moon Language

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them,

"Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud;

Otherwise,

Someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this,

This great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one

Who lives with a full moon in each eye

That is always saying

With that sweet moon

Language

What every other eye in this world

Is dying to

Hear

- Hafez

What is unseen is eternal

I've been thinking more and more about this verse:

2 Corinthians 4:18

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

How do we fix our eyes on what we cannot see? How do we know what is unseen? It seems hard. But truly, what is unseen is what is eternal. That is why a parent always loves their child despite what they might have done. Parents fix their eyes on the hope that lies in the future.

I've started to realize that there is an intimate connection between "fixing our eyes on what is unseen" and true love, true joy, true hope. Fixing our eyes on what is unseen keeps us walking the straight path, guards us from despair and temptations.

God, open our eyes so that we might see what is unseen!!

Life

The previous week was so full of... so many things, I feel like I need to blog some of it before I forget, hehe.

Hopelessness->Grace

I felt complete despair for STATS318 (Modern Markov Chains), catalyzed by a homework set and upcoming project. I began realizing the urgency of how far behind I was -- in fact, I could not even understand the first day's lecture. He uses math from all sorts of places: abstract algebra, operator theory, lebesgue integrals and measure theory, analysis... I haven't taken any of those math classes, so I could not even understand the syntax and how to study and catch up. I also did not know anyone in the class (most people were STATS grad students and past their first year, so were already in 'groups'). I was really struggling not to let despair control me and also to live in the rest we have from God (still take time to talk to people and not rush past other important things in life). Well, I won't tell the whole story, but long story short:

1) I experienced what it feels like to be completely lost and in need of someone to help me. I realized that I often don't want to spend so much time helping others in some of the other classes I feel comfortable in -- this was convicting. This is something God has put on my heart as one thing I want to make a priority during my time at Stanford.

2) God somehow pulled me through... I feel like so much grace has been given to me (and I found a kind soul in STATS318!) It feels strange, almost numbingly shocking, when I look at the notes and realize that I can understand almost every lecture. Today was the first lecture I sat in that I understood...

The Harvest

I have been praying about the verse where Jesus says: "Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest." Sometimes it feels like people at Stanford are so well put together and only focused on building the success that they have already achieved -- are there really people looking for God? God really answered that prayer this week for me in multiple ways :D (in the midst of the STATS318 despair! :P) It was soooo joyfull!!!!! I couldn't help grinning throughout random times in the week.

There are many more things, but this blog post is already too long. Besides the above, 1) I was reminded that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood" as I talked to many people close to me -- this week, suddenly so many people were struggling through really hard things. 2) On Friday, I heard Professor Charles Lee talk about the Christian perspective of 'Success and Significance'. He spoke so much truth!!! It was simultaneously convicting and encouraging. I feel like he has a deep grasp of our life in God.

Yah. That week was beautiful :D Definitely had it's stressful times, but I was actually strangely at peace during much of it. What a great life :)

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

Yay friends :)

Today I went to Six Flags for a concert with Po-ru, Po-ling, Tim, and Scott! It was so refreshing to hear about what has been going on in their lives and also to joke around :P And oh yes! We had tons of diversity... ish :P

Schools: Berkeley, Davis, MIT, and Stanford

Years: 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010

On another note, I started reading "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. The first sentence of the foreword captures the essence: `When Christ calls a man,' says Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 'he bids him come and die.'

Everyone excited to be a Christian now? :D

No one has ever seen God

One question I hear fairly often goes something like, "If God exists, why doesn't he show himself to us more clearly?" I thought of this question today in small group when I read the below verse:

1 John 4:12

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

You are probably thinking: "How does that verse answer the question at all?" Well, it doesn't really. But somehow... something deep inside of me was satisfied :)

----

On an unrelated note, after small group, I read an article on `Mathematical Statistics' from the book "Princeton's Companion to Mathematics". It was delicious and captivating!!! :D The article was written by Persi Diaconis (I'm taking a class with him!!!! Weeeeee! :D) I wish people motivated topics in the same way as this book. It makes math so exciting!

Remembering

Lately, it's been a mix of up and downs. This weekend was a huge blessing though :D When I went hiking, I chatted with one international student who shared her testimony and how she has experienced God. It was such a joy listening to someone who is in love with God!! Through this and several similar conversations, I remembered the many great things God has done! I get this crazy grin when I think about it, heehee.

Psalm 126:1-3

When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

'The LORD has done great things for them.'

The LORD has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Philemon 1:6

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.

If only we knew The Truth

We discussed temptation and sin in the international small group last night. Why is there sin? Where does it come from? It exists because 1) we don't know the truth and the right way to live, and 2) we aren't willing to trust God's guidance but want to follow our own judgments. I was reminded of these verses today -- you can feel the author/God crying out for the lost people who are walking into destruction.

Proverbs 14:12

There is a way which seems right to a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

Hosea 14:9

Who is wise? He will realize these things.

Who is discerning? He will understand them.

The ways of the LORD are right;

the righteous walk in them,

but the rebellious stumble in them.

Matthew 7:13

Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.

Thanksgiving

I read Psalm 118 today. Here are some of the verses I really like :) He sets us free!

v. 5

In my anguish I cried to the LORD,

and he answered by setting me free.

v. 13-14

I was pushed back and about to fall,

but the LORD helped me.

The LORD is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.

v. 17

I will not die but live,

and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

Beautiful! :D

I love reading articles that I don't understand, but give a feel of mystery! Below are two articles (for general populations, so don't worry!) that I read recently that talk about Topology and String Theory (and how the two are connected). I also added a great quote from the first article :D

Physicists often talk about the beauty of math. What does that mean to you?
The first time I saw my wife, I thought she was charming—more than charming, shocking to me. I had great motivation to know her more. When I look at the Calabi conjecture, it shocks me too. It’s an elegant, simple construct and explains a great deal. It’s exciting when you go deeper and deeper into a complicated structure that you can spend most of a lifetime working on. It was shocking when it showed up in physics, and it’s beautiful whether it’s true or not.

The Math Behind the Physics Behind the Universe

The Man Who Plucks All The Strings

One thing I've discovered is that the more you know about science and nature, the more you are in wonder and awe of how much you don't know. How can anyone say that there is a conflict between science and God? For myself, the more I know about science and math, the more I am hesitant to make claims that something cannot be -- to some extent, I am much more willing to believe in things that others would consider surprising.

Beloved

Yesterday, I was reminded of a dream I had on 8/21. I'll just quote it from my journal:

"The last one, I only remember the end clearly. There was some mean/bitter/broken?? woman who made me do something at the beginning. Sometime later, I saw her again and there was another man too. She obviously was broken, but had a hard heart. I don't remember how it happened, but somehow she asked me, 'If you could say one word to me, what would you say?' It wasn't a desperate, pleading type of question, more like a stubborn hard tone (but you could sense something deep). My mind raced thinking about the 'best' thing to say. I think I sensed (correctly) that some hardship was making her bitter and I wanted her to be thankful/look at it in another light, so I said, 'Growth' with an attitude of judgment and instruction. Right when I said that, I could feel that I replied with my mind and 'cunning', not by asking God or the Spirit. You could tell she was not satisfied, but only angry. (Why should I grow? I've been through so much! I've been hurt so much!) As the situation was escalating I began pleading for God to give me a word and I began to be able to feel her Spirit. Slowly a word came to me and in a pause (she was ranting on and on), I slipped in, 'My second word for you is Beloved.' At that she paused and you could tell that she was struggling majorly with something and breaking completely. As I sensed that, I began to also break with tears with her as I pondered, 'Beloved' and her own conviction and newness God was giving her. Then I woke up with tears falling down my eyes.

It is true that my view towards myself and others is often one of "growth", not "beloved". I'm just starting to realize the weight and meaning of God's love for us!! It's soooo big!

Pray for me!

The following post has been sitting in my box as a draft since 9/13 (so the "today" is 9/13 :D), heehee.

Today I really wrestled and felt defeated. There are two main parts:

1. Idolatry. This last 4 weeks, God has really blessed my research as I focused on him and living in his principles. Unfortunately, as he has blessed my work, my heart has been straying more and more towards my research. I sometimes find myself imagining papers I can publish, etc... I feel like I am letting the "deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful". It's as if, after Jesus helps Peter catch the boatful of fish, he gets wrapped up in imagining the booming business he's going to have.
2. Giving God the credit due him. I don't think I really have much pride in the research recently -- I really have felt so blessed. However, I feel paralyzed in front of my lab members and especially my advisors when they talk about research progress. I don't feel right when they attribute the progress to me, to research luck, to the environment, or whatever... I realize that I fear man more than I fear God. Especially since I admire my advisor so much (though he's not a Christian, the way he responds to situations often remind me of God's principles), I am so timid in front of him.

The end product was that today after coming back from work and eating dinner, I felt so exhausted and drained. I think mostly I just felt far from God and ashamed for not being able to stand up for him. Then I journaled a bit, read the bible a bit, and then called Peter for prayer. That was refreshing! And God is merciful!!

Please pray for me! I have a talk next Tuesday -- pray that I would give God the glory that is due him!

Ecclesiastes 4:10

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

The New Jerusalem

We are the new Jerusalem :)

Zechariah 2:4-5

"Jerusalem will be a city without walls because of the great number of men and livestock in it. And I myself will be a wall of fire around it ... and I will be its glory within."

Still a kid! :P

Fan (my summer roommate and a 2nd year grad student), Christina, and I just watched The Pebble And The Penguin! heeheehee. Soooo random :) Picture all of us seriously working on our research: Papers sprawled over the desk, laptops whirring, brows furrowed in deep concentration. Then, Christina somehow mentioned how Wesley (who we call penguin) liked this movie when he was a little kid. I looked it up, and before we knew it, we were all sitting in front of the computer, lights dimmed, and watching :D

I kept grinning throughout the show at the randomness (of the situation)! Oh mannn :) I felt so much like a kid, hahahaha. We laughed so much and Fan laughed SOOOO LOUDLY :D (he usually goes back to lab after dinner and comes back at like 3am). God is good!

I love God!!

After being stuck on a problem since 3rd term, I discovered the solution at 5AM today! I have never so strongly felt the truth of "man does not live on bread alone".

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.